


I Do Not Get Paid Enough For This

by singingwithoutwords



Series: You People Give Me Road Rage [2]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Humor, in which hazard pay is earned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 11:58:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singingwithoutwords/pseuds/singingwithoutwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let's just say there's a reason cleaning Stark Tower comes with hazard pay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Do Not Get Paid Enough For This

"Okay, new girl," Seth said, sighing.  "This is your first time doing the Tower run, so stick close to me."

"I've cleaned big buildings before," Amy objected, rolling her eyes.  "I don't need a babysitter."

"Yeah, that right there says you do," Seth countered.  "Mr. Stark provides the supplies, so don't bother unloading.  Let's just get in there and get this over with, before something blows up."

Amy rolled her eyes again, but hopped out of the van, anyway.  She was certain Seth was just being a chivalrous chauvanist, but she could play along.  Stark Tower came with a pretty high paycheck, even for a building its size, and she could use the money.  As long as Seth didn't act like an overt jackass, she could deal.  And if he did, she could always 'accidentally' hit him with a mop.

There was an elevator waiting for them that opened without prompting.  Seth didn't treat it as unusual, so neither did Amy.

"Welcome back, Seth," a voice from the depths of nowhere said, startling her into shrieking.  "Apologies, ma'am- I didn't mean to frighten you."

"It's okay, JARVIS." Seth shot her a very I-told-you-so look, and she scowled right back.  "Where should we start today?"

"Mr. Stark is out of his lab at the moment- I suggest you begin there.  Until your comrade has been cleared she can't enter, but I believe Captain Rogers is not on his floor at the moment.  I'll direct her from there."

"Thanks," Seth said.  "Quick run-down, because you obviously didn't read past the wage.  JARVIS is the household AI, he controls everything.  Listen to him.  Mr. Stark and Doctor Banner have labs, you aren't allowed in them.  Knock before you go into any room, even if the door's open.  Pay no attention to banging in the ceilings, and address Thor as Prince Thor or your Highness until he tells you otherwise.  Last girl who got familiar got her hair singed off."

"Okay, now I _know_ you're screwing with me," Amy said.

"Keep telling yourself that.  This is the public elevator, only use it to move between floors.  This is your stop.  Rogers is the softest start you can get, so enjoy it while it lasts."  Before Amy could say anything, Seth pushed her out of the elevator, leaving her behind.

Amy huffed, fixing the faded tee she wore as part of her 'work' attire.  She'd been working as a maid for more than 10 years, and she didn't believe a word of Seth's crap.

The small room she was standing in, a kind of antechamber, was taken up mostly by a cart of cleaning supplies.  She found a pair of latex gloves, pulled them on, and knocked on the door opposite the elevator, waiting ten seconds for a response before she tried the handle.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes Seth wished they'd just leave the Tower to him and stop saddling him with newbies.  He was about 95% sure Amy wasn't going to last the day.  The last one had managed two visits in a row before throwing in the towel.  It was a hassle having to keep training people, and he could clean the place almost as fast by himself.

Or hell, Stark could just build himself some cleaning robots.  Seth still had no idea why he didn't do that.

The elevator settled on the lab floor and the doors opened onto a mess.

Two robots stood, managing to look guilty despite not having faces, behind an overturned table.  The table's contents - a pile of screens, a box of glass panels, two cans of beer, and half a sandwich - were scattered across the floor between the table and the elevator.  One of the robots held a small rubber ball in its claw.

"Yeah, I'm not even gonna ask," Seth decided, stepping out of the elevator.  He walked to the robot with the ball and held out his hand.  "Give."

The robot clicked.  It sounded like a cranky toddler.

" _Give_ , Dummy," Seth repeated with more force.  After a few seconds, Dummy relented, dropping the ball into his hand.  "Good boy.  Now, put that table back where it belongs.  You, help him."

It had taken months for Seth to get used to the idea of named, semi-sentient robots, but now he didn't bat an eyelash over it as the two struggled to right the table while Seth pocketed the ball and started cleaning up spilled beer.

The table had been uprighted and Dummy and You sent to the corner, the screens restacked and the shattered panels cleaned up, by the time Mr. Stark came back, holding a glass of something more than likely alcoholic.

"Hey, Maidman!" he exclaimed happily, waving.  "Jarvis told me you scolded my idiots.  You're not supposed to discipline someone else's kids, you know."

"Hello, Mr. Stark."

"Come on, call me Tony."

"We go through this every time I come here, Mr. Stark."

Mr. Stark made a face at him, setting his glass down.  "Well, at least they didn't do too much damage.  Nice to see you haven't bailed.  I saw the new one, by the way- what happened to the guy who was here last week?"

"Agent Romanov broke his arm," Seth said.  "He didn't knock."

"You're supposed to tell them to knock, Maidman."

"I'm not blond," Seth said, still cleaning the floor.  He'd learned how to hold a conversation with Mr. Stark and still work.

"What?"

"Maidman is blond.  He's also built like Thor and wears a skirt.  None of that applies to me."

"Wait wait wait, are you saying there's really such a person as Maidman?" Mr. Stark sounded heartbroken.  " _I_ thought of that!   _I'm_ the only one that clever!"

Seth tuned him out, sweeping garbage and empty beer cans into the proper containers.

"I know you're ignoring me now, and I don't like it.  I'm going to make all Barton's practice targets look like you."

"You do that, Mr. Stark."

 

* * *

 

Captain Rogers' floor was pretty much an apartment, consisting of a kitchen, sitting area, bedroom, bathroom, sizeable gym, and wide balcony.  It must cost him a fortune to rent, which explained why he didn't have much, even if what he did have was obviously expensive.

Amy set to cleaning right away, starting with the sitting area.  There wasn't much beyond the basics - vacuuming, sweeping, dusting, windows, that sort of thing - to do, but it could take a while if you let your mind wander.

Honestly, she was positive Seth had been screwing with her.  It was her first day with the cleaning company, her first day at Stark Tower, and though she'd initially taken him for a complete stick in the mud, he apparently had a twisted sense of humor after all.  Go figure.

She'd finished the kitchen and bedroom and moved on to the bathroom when she heard a door open elsewhere in the suite.  She poked her head into the hall in time to watch two incredibly attractive blond men with biceps on their biceps cross the sitting room toward the kitchen.

"I'm not saying you're incapable, Thor, or that you'd get hurt.  It was dangerous for the civilians."

'Thor', the one with biceps on the biceps on his biceps, grunted.  "I would have prevented harm from coming to them," he said, sounding like a sulky ten-year-old.

"I just want you to be more careful.  I know you're immortal, but most people on Earth aren't.  You need to watch where you're throwing that hammer sometimes."

Thor made more small-child noises, and Amy snuck down the hall, curious.  Who was throwing hammers now?  And why, exactly?

She found out both in short order- about the time she reached the turn to the sitting room, Thor yelled something about intruders, and the wall corner exploded in shards of wood and plaster.  She dove for cover and, despite what she would insist later, screamed a very girlish scream.

"Jarvis?"

"Forgive me, Captain Rogers, I should have warned you- the new housekeeper is currently in your suite."

"That's alright, Jarvis.  Ma'am, are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine," Amy said, peeking out of the protective ball she'd curled into.  "I'm covered in plaster and I have to vacuum the sitting room again, but I'm fine.  You must be Captain Rogers and... Prince Thor?  Sorry I scared you guys.  I'll start wearing bells."

"That may be wise, mortal," Thor said, serious as the plague, and Amy throttled down hysterical laughter.  "Are you perhaps versed in all arts feminine?"

"She's not making you a sandwich, Thor," Captain Rogers said, smiling.  "We'll get out of your way now, ma'am.  Sorry about Thor, he's just a bit... hammer-happy.  Come on, Thor- we can go to the main kitchen.  I'll make lasagna.  You can help."

Amy watched in a kind of awe as Captain Rogers herded Thor like a giant hammer-weilding kid back toward the elevator, then started picking up chunks of wall.

Priority one, re-evaluate everything Seth told her.

Priority two, hope there were more attractive men around here.

 

* * *

Seth knocked lightly on the doorjamb of the dance studio.  It didn't actually have a door, and he could see it was empty, but knocking around here was as much marking your location as asking to enter a room.  He'd almost eaten an arrow his first month because he hadn't knocked before going into Agent Barton's kitchen.

The dance studio was probably the hardest room to clean, despite having nothing in it.  Floor-to-ceiling mirrors on all four walls was bad enough, but the entire floor had to be washed without damaging it as well, or Agent Romanov would gut him.  Then make him clean up the mess.

At least she had a regular schedule and spent most of any given day out of her suite.  There was no telling where Thor or Mr. Stark were at any given time.  One memorable incident had him finding Mr. Stark curled up in the bottom of Doctor Banner's bathtub with a paperback novel, fast asleep.  Apparently, he'd been hiding from Ms. Potts.

Seth told her where to find him.  Payback for that time he'd ordered Jarvis not to warn Seth that Thor didn't wear clothing to bed and was still in his room.

He started on one side of the doorway and started cleaning mirrors, ignoring thumps above his head.  He knew Agent Barton could move silently, so he figured the noise was probably just to let Seth know he was there.  Whether that was to comfort him or put him on edge was debateable.

"You missed a spot."

"Hello, Agent Barton."

"Are you ever going to call anyone here by their first name?" Barton demanded, dropping out of a ceiling vent into the room.

"I call Thor by his first name,"

"He doesn't count, he doesn't have a last name."

"I don't call him Prince Thor."

"Why not?"

"He took me out to dinner."

"Is that all it takes with you?" Barton asked, grinning.  "I'll take you to a movie, too.  You'll have to start calling me sweetheart."

"You're not my type, Agent Barton," Seth said, smiling.  Of all the residents of the Tower, Seth felt friendliest toward Agent Barton.  He was the only one not disturbingly smart and/or obviously insane.  "Maybe if you put on a dress."

"What?  No, _you_ wear the dress.  I'm a superhero.  I'm manly as fuck.  You have long hair and clean houses."

"I'm not bearing your children."

"Did I come in at a weird time?" Agent Romanov asked.  "Because I can leave if you need a moment."

"Tell Seth if we got married he'd be the wife," Agent Barton said, pouting up at his partner.  "He'd have to pack me lunch when we went on missions, right?"

"Seth can't be your wife.  He's not a woman."

Barton threw his hands in the air and stood.  "You all suck.  I'm gonna go see if Stark can build me a robot wife who'll pack me lunches."

Seth gave up at that point and let himself laugh, shaking his head.  Just because he wasn't _obviously_ insane didn't mean Agent Barton wasn't completely off his rocker.

 

* * *

 

Amy managed to avoid any further attacks on her person while she worked, going where JARVIS directed her, mostly the communal floors.  Apparently most of the residents had areas she couldn't clean because she lacked proper access, so Seth took care of them.

They both finished at about the same time and met at the elevator once more, headed for the garage.

"Well?" Seth asked, leaning against the elevator wall.

"Well, what?"

"You got your ass smacked by a billionaire, your head almost caved in by a magic hammer, your shirt sliced open by an arrow, and your sneaker eaten by some sort of escaped radioactive test slug.  Think you can bring yourself to come back?"

Amy looked down, considering her shoes - borrowed from Agent Barton since he was closest in size - and the much too large tank top Thor had insisted on giving her due to the hammer-attempting-to-cave-in-skull incident.  And this seemed completely normal to these people.  The only ordinary person in the whole damn building was Doctor Banner, and she probably only thought that because she had no idea what went on in his suite.  She could foresee many a destroyed outfit in her future if she kept this assignment.

Of course, the plus side was bi-weekly access to the single sexiest collection of bodies on the planet, all the way from muscle-god Thor to succubus Agent Romanov.

"I think I can manage.  If you really need me."

Seth sighed in a way that said very plainly he knew exactly what she was thinking.  "I do not get paid enough for this shit."

**Author's Note:**

> That was actually pretty fun to write. I wonder what other mortals the Avengers manage to make miserable...


End file.
